breaking away alright

For some reason THIS story just kills me. I just started bawling at my desk when I read it. I'm just so happy for him.

sick day: a hodgepodge

The shitty thing about staying home sick when you are actually sick is that you are actually sick. Also, you are wasting precious sick days that you could take off and enjoy. It's like taking a Vikadin when you are actually in pain. Wouldn't you rather save it for when you're feeling better? Then you can really have some fun with it.

So I'm home sick for the second day in a row. I am feeling better today, thank fucking God because the past 3 days have been absolute hell. I can not remember feeling this crappy in so long. Apparently when you are pregnant all of your immunities go to the baby and you're left up shit creek without a paddle. It's taken me forever to kick this thing.

It's the same exact cold Dup had a week ago. I felt so triumphant and sort of cocky that I had avoided it completely and then BLAMO. I have to say that Dup is taking so much better care of me than I did of him when he had it. I feel bad about that. He's being so sweet to me, doing chores and bringing me ginger ale and things. I really love him.

In great baby news we have hired a Birthing Doula. Some of you may not know what a Doula is so I will quickly explain that there a different kinds but a Birthing Doula is sort of like a birth coach. She is not a medical doctor in any way and is not a midwife. She is just there for emotional and physical support. I decided right away that I wanted one because my experienced support system (mom, sister, cousin) are all in California. We're really going to try and have my mom here for the birth, I really pray to God she'll be here because besides being generally awesome, she is also a nurse practitioner and was a labor and delivery nurse for years and years. So she's knows a few things about birthin da babies. Also, she could actually check to see how dilated I am and help us decide when to go to the hospital. I hope she's there. She's going to try but it's tricky. Those little guys can come without warning or stay up there a while, you never know.

The Doula will definitely be there because we're paying her and she lives in Queens. We met with her on Sunday and she is very cool. She's in her late 40's early 50's and she has that out there quality you would expect a Doula to have but she is grounded and very organized. Also, she has so much to offer. She was originally trained in Dance and kineseology (ok maybe not so helpful in actual childbirth but a start) then she was certified as an Alexander Teacher (some of you may know that i'm very into the Alexander Technique) then she got trained in craniosacral therapy and then she was trained in visualisation exercises, which is sort of her specialty. She did one with us on Sunday where we go down into the amniotic sac and talk to the baby. She asked me to tell the baby that even though I was not feeling well, that it was doing wonderfully and perfectly safe all of the time. This made me a little teary because I had been so worried about the baby with all of my coughing and it felt good to be motherly and tell the baby that it was safe.

She also does massage and aromatherapy treatments. OK? She's like a walking spa. I want here there. Also, she has a sense of humor. She and I were laughing right away and most importantly, she was laughing AT ME. I really only get along with people who think i'm funny.

huh. i never really thought about it that way but it's totally true.

So we hired her and she's a little expensive but the best thing about her is that no matter at what point you hire her she works with you weekly and it's the same flat rate. So I get an hour of body work a week until I have the baby included in the cost. That my friends, is a freaking bargain. So she will be there with us pretty much from when the labor begins until after the baby is born and she will do craniosacral therapy on the baby too and then she comes to the house to do a post pardum visit. You're not sold yet? STEAK KNIVES PEOPLE! She comes with a set of them.

Seriously though, it makes me feel worlds better about the act of giving birth and also about the notion of attempting natural child birth because she has so much experience (96 births) and she can help us newbees make decisions along the way and help translate what the hospital staff are telling us to do and help us realise when we need to make a decision and when it's time to just go along with what they want us to do. The other great thing is that she has worked with our doctor a lot and she has done the majority of births at our hospital and she holds the entire staff and practice in the highest regard. She said they have a low rate of C-sections and they really encourage natural when possible. So that made me feel great.

Still, you just never know. So many things can happen and it's just impossible to predict what your own body is capable of until it happens. Women have been doing this since the dawn of time, YES but they also died from doing it quite often didn't they? And more often than that, the babies died. So, let's not let that happen. If I have to get a C-section then it's not a failure, it's saving my baby's life. And if I have to get an epidural because my baby is facing the wrong way and sitting on my sciatic nerve and i want to kill myself, then I will. But maybe it will be facing the right way and maybe I can do it and so I think I owe it to myself and my baby to try. Also, it just doesn't make sense to me to numb my body from the waist down when I'm trying to push something out of my vagina. And it doesn't make sense to me to not be able to not be able to move around. But there's a big part of me that's sitting in the back row going, "oh please you know you're getting the epidural so why even waste their time?" Ah well, I have some time to think on it...

The Gallivanting Monkey keeps sending us these great books. The most recent was "Spiritual Midwifery" which she lampooned on her blog a while back. I was surprised she sent it to us but Dup admitted later that he requested it. In just one night, I've devoured it. It's hilarious and wonderful. I want to strangle these hippies for having such groovy births all over god's green earth in a caravan but I also want to be them. It make so much sense to me that a birth should be an extremely spiritual, psychedelic experience. I have a feeling mine will be a bit different but it's nice to have these images and ideas there. Instead of "contractions" they call them "rushes" and the woman giving birth and her husband make out with each other during the whole birth. Um, with my mom there?

I just hacked up a huge phlegm ball. Excellent sign that I'm getting better.

Ok, I think I'll leave it at that. The View is coming on in a minute.

Oh wait one more thing. Don't you just love the commercials that are on during the day week days? It's either: personal injury lawyers, train to be a medical assistant, train to be a technician, get a quick loan, loose weight fast, or cold and flu medicine. Ok it's also cleaning products for those stay at home moms. So if you are watching TV during that time you are either fat, unemployed, want to get rich quick, home sick from work or a stay at home mom.

tapes and tapes

There are these tapes that we have of my dad interviewing my sister and I when we were really little, like 2 & 3 years old. We're singing with him. They're super funny and cute and one of the only instances where my dad's voice is recorded. Dup is making copies of them now. He's going to send them to this place to get cd's made of them. Isn't that nice of him? They're sort of playing in the other room. At one point my dad says, "la Ketch come over here." and I just heard that and I almost got up and went over. It's so funny that he made these recordings to capture my sister and I as kids but now we listen to them to hear his voice.

My sister and I sound like chipmunks. It's pretty funny. And I boss her around so horribly. At one point my dad asks me my name and I tell him and then he asks my sister her name and she says that her name is my name, revealing her early identity crisis. She then starts singing Frosty the Snowman, wrong and it sort of turns into Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in this totally adorable and hilarious way. My dad is laughing at her because she's so cute and then I just stomp on her and order her to stop singing so that I can do it the right way. Then she says, "I have an idea, why don't we both do it?" It really breaks your heart. Especially since you can tell I really don't think that's a good idea AT ALL.

The whole thing is really innocent and adorable until you flip the tape over and listen to me, my sister and our neighbor across the street, about 7 & 8 years old now, making fart and pooping noises and pretending to be a retarded family. You can't really destroy half of the tape though. I wonder what the CD technician will think. They probably don't listen to them.

if you have to explain it...

I love how Kathy, my friend with the sickest sense of humor, was the only one to comment on that last post. I can only guess that it's because of the photo. Didn't anyone else think that photo was funny? I mean I guess what makes me laugh is the idea of this chick going to put her baby in the dumpster and she sees that sign and is like, "damnit." and has to go to the next dumpster.

OK. it's sick and if i have to explain it... no, i still think it's funny.

In other news I'm wearing maternity jeans today. I got some Sevens for All Mankind. I know what you're thinking, "Sevens are so out" but they fit the best and had the best color so I got them and I don't care what you think. They were super expensive but totally worth it. i don't think I'll ever go back. I'm just going to wear these things for the rest of my life. i mean who in the world knows of something that can make your butt look this good and also be this comfortable? It's a dream. No buttons or belt hoops, just one big band of pure elastic comfyness. Sleeping in them.

We have an ultrasound today where they do a test to see if the baby has downs syndrome. I really hope this baby is healthy and I have a positive feeling that it is but if it does have downs syndrome, I'll still love it like no other. I have a hard time figuring out the purpose of these genetic tests but i feel obliged to do it. like I'm a bad mother if i don't.

I'm going to take this opportunity to look really hard and see if i see a little wiener or not. I'm starting to get major boy vibes but yesterday i had a dream that it was a girl. there's just no telling.

all about baby?

When I say a shift is about to happen, I mean that maybe I’ll be more talkative again. This past year really has been one of introversion for me, very unfamiliar territory. I usually just tell everyone everything that’s going on with me but it became clear pretty early on that trying to get pregnant wasn’t something that I should share with the masses. It’s a deeply personal thing. Breeding in general is a deeply personal thing and everyone has strong feelings and opinions about the subject. It opens you up to all sorts of feedback and the most horrible question of all, “are you pregnant yet?”

No. I’m just fat.

I wonder if this change, the pregnancy, the baby, will shift me into the world of mommy blogger? I really don’t want to only talk about being pregnant. And when I have a baby, I really don’t want to talk only about the experience of being a mother on my blog. A lot of mommy blogs talk about varied subjects though and I guess I’ll just have to give in to the fact that this is what is happening and I’m going to want to talk about it. Some people might get bored and leave, some people might become more interested.

I’m going to this fancy dinner at this fancy restaurant tomorrow night, with my boss and some other people from work. I had to go shopping today to find something to wear because I’m just now starting to not fit into my clothes so well. It’s exciting but also this awkward stage where my waist is gone but I don’t really look pregnant. I pretty much just look fat. I tried on a number of really adorable dresses, all of which made me look like a whale. I finally found something that shows my rack off so well that no one will notice my waist at all. I have to say the girls are looking pretty good these days. I have to fend Dup off with a taser. He just can’t seem to keep his hands to himself.

I was trying on one of these dresses and the shop girl asked me if I was having any luck. I told her my dilemma, “I’m just a little pregnant, so I’m having trouble finding something that doesn’t make me look fat. I don’t look pregnant enough yet.” Her response was, “oh, uh huh.” She couldn’t have given less of a shit about it. I need to start shopping at maternity stores where they are paid to be happy for you.

I want to remember that not everyone is going to be super excited or thrilled that I’m preggers. I mean all of my friends and family are super, genuinely excited but I have to remember that even I was (am?) among that certain sect of people that sort of feels a little bit like, “so fucking what? You’re having a baby. How original. Don’t you know that the world is fucked up? Don’t you know that we’re having a population crisis?” There are also the people who would really, really like to have a baby and can’t for various reasons and although they may not want to feel this way, they’re going to want to punch me in the face.

I know this because for the past year or so, whenever I’ve seen a pregnant woman, or heard about a friend that was having a baby, my first instinct was never a feeling of joy for them. It was a feeling of pure, unadulterated jealousy.

I’ve been feeling a sort of mounting anxiety for the past 2 years, pretty much since I got married, about wanting to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to have a baby and once we got married the instinct got really powerful and primal. I was a bit obsessed. There was a part of me that was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to do it. When Dup finally agreed that we could start trying, it was such a relief but of course I was so impatient and I wanted it to happen right away. Each month when I got my period I would die a little death and drink myself into a stupor. I didn’t want to talk to people about it. I didn’t want to go out and socialize because I didn’t feel like I could talk about anything else, so I just sort of skipped everything. It’s a wonderfully empowering thing to give yourself permission to not go to parties and plays. It was good practice for having to say no when the little one arrives but also, you know, you get lonely.

Then when I did get pregnant, it was so exciting but I was really superstitious and I didn’t want to talk about it. I guess I didn’t really believe it was happening. A lot of my friends have had miscarriages, it’s so common and so we didn’t talk. More not talking. It’s been good for me because I just talk so much. It’s like a drug to me. Being quiet for a while was good but enough is enough. I feel a little bit like, ok, I’m back. It feels good. I feel so totally blessed and lucky and happy to have this little dude growing in me. It’s such a freaky trip. I mean it’s the most normal thing in the world. It’s how we all got here but when it happens to you, you’re like, “what the?” When we saw the last ultrasound, which was just one of the coolest things, and the little guy was kicking all around I just couldn’t believe that was inside of me. It really made me feel a little bit like Alien.

I’m taking a Spanish class. I’ve wanted to for a long time, so I just signed up for it. It’s once a week after work for three hours for 8 weeks. I had my first class last Thursday and it was SO HARD. Now I remember why I had such a hard time in high school. It’s just a part of my brain seldom exercised. But it’s great. The class is small and the teacher is super cool and smart and funny. I like it. I should go do my work book right now actually. It’s very clear that the only way to do well is to practice on your own, A LOT.

See I can talk about other things.

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and congratulations. It means so much to me. I’m really excited to share it with y’all. I'm so glad to be back in the land of the talking. Fun times ahead.

Knocked into 07/07

ok cool fools that keep reading my blog even though i rarely post anything of substance anymore, there's a shift about to happen.

First of all, it's a good year, 2007. I've been looking forward to this year for a long time because sometime when I was little I figured out that during this year I will turn 33 (jesus year) on 07/07/07. All of those sevens are supposed to be sort of magic. Who knows what will happen but I have a good feeling. Who knows. I think I will have a party though because it's on a Saturday too and what are the chances of that?!

Second of all, i'm pregnant.

Do you like how i slipped that in there? Yes I really am. FINALLY. And it's very good and the Dupster and I are pretty happy.

Details: 12 weeks along. Due July 26th. Don't know the sex yet, will find out and let you know when we do. Probably going to keep the name a secret until it's born.

Anything else? We had our second pre-natal visit on Wednesday and we got to see a Sonogram of the little bugger and you could really see it in there moving around and kicking it's little legs and everything. There was narry a dry eye. We found out over thanksgiving but we wanted to keep it to ourselves until we knew it was going to "stick". The doc says, everything is looking really good and healthy so we're finally telling.

Telling YOU! The UNIVERSE!

Thank you for sticking by me during this past year of introversion and introspection. Turns out, getting knocked up isn't as easy as your mother told you it would be in high school.

I promise to write more later but I really am slammed at work. I will write more. Thank you.

xo,
la Ketch