la Ketch

my life story

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Virtue Patience

Waiting. Not good at it. Me. I feel this week a little like I did the weeks before our wedding. Impatient. Waiting to go on this trip (only 4 days away!). Waiting to get pregnant (longer than that). Waiting to move to California. On and on like that. I’m a planner. I make plans to live and I live in the plans I make. How can I exist in the in between? (yes Pete, I’m reading it! ) I can make more plans but at this present point I’ve planned pretty much as far as I’m comfortable planning. So here I am stuck with me. I should exercise. I should read a classic novel. I should stop complaining and do something for someone else.

My latest obsession is the Dog Run in our park. We have a great big park just blocks away from our house and it’s such a good thing because Eliott loves to romp around. One of the best things about the park is the dog run where we can let him off the leash and he can run free and play with the other dogs. Our dog run though is a bit dilapidated. I started looking into what we could do to get the place some repairs and I learned that it’s not the city’s responsibility to maintain the run, that every dog run in the city has an association, every dog run except for ours that is! I guess there used to be one but for whatever reason it fizzled out. So what did I do gentle readers? I started a fucking association. Now it’s all I think about. I even started a blog for it. Check the shit out

On one level, it’s been really good for me. I’ve been having a very difficult time this last year coming to terms with my artistic self, my actor self, and I’ve needed someplace to re-channel my energy. I’ve been acting since I was small and it’s so much a part of me that I’ve always assumed that I would always be doing it and now I’m beginning to see that isn’t the case. It’s not like I didn’t know that it was HARD and that most people GIVE UP after a while. It’s just that I never thought that giving it up person would be me.

I’m not trying to tug at your heart strings because mostly it’s my fault. I haven’t worked nearly hard enough to get where I want to be. I certainly haven’t been pounding the pavement for years, knocking on every door possible, begging for the opportunity to work. I haven’t worked as hard as a person who wants to make it come hell or high water should. Also, like most people, for me, that type of putting yourself out there, it’s too degrading, too upsetting, that level of rejection, especially when it comes from untalented people who have their heads up their asses but somehow are behind the table at an audition. I just can’t go to open calls in the back of Back Stage Magazine. I just can’t go on all of these random auditions. Instead, I tried to go the “dignified route”, working with people I know and getting parts from people just seeing my work and giving me a part. This route worked better for me in the past than lately.

The other dignified route I've tried to take is grad school. I’ve really wanted to go to grad school for years. I wanted to go not just because I could get the clout and connections I needed to launch and actual career but also because I wanted some real training. I wanted something intense and all encompassing. I wanted to be pushed beyond my limits. Well, I didn’t get in to a top school. I got into the Actor’s Studio at the New School University – for those of you not familiar, this is the school where James Lipton’s show, “Inside the Actor’s Studio” was shot and yes you can see me in the audience in a few episodes and yes I asked Gwyneth Paltrow a question.. The program is now defunct and for good reason, it was a joke. You’re not actually going to school at the Actor’s Studio, you’re going to school at the New School University. They are two very separate entities. You get to go to the Actor’s Studio and observe but even that is sort of sad because it’s just a bunch of old people sitting around, slapping each other on the back and trying to one up each other with Brando anecdotes, “IIII remember, this one time, I was in a scene and my scene partner, BRANDO, threw me against the WALL!!” “Oh, yes, yes, I remember this one time in particular I was in a scene and BRANDO yelled from the back of the room ‘I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!!”” It’s endearing but also pathetic. I dropped out of the program after the first year and I do believe, especially after talking to people that stuck with it and now seeing that the program has collapsed, I made the right decision. Also, I saved myself from about $50,000 in debt. Now, I’m only $25,000 in debt.

The school that I really wanted to get into was NYU. Me and everyone else you say? Yes, this is true. I didn’t even get called back the first time I auditioned and I have to admit that I wasn’t ready for it. My audition sucked and they shouldn’t have let me in. Then, last year, I decided to audition again. I was 30 years old when I did the second audition and that is old for the NYU grad program. Most of the kids are right out of undergrad. Anyway, I worked really hard on it and once again, I didn’t even get called back. I thought my audition was good but I’m pretty certain that I blew the second part of it and that coupled with my age fucked me. So now it’s pretty clear to me that I’m not going to grad school for acting. I’m married and I want to get pregnant soon. My husband is in grad school. The window has closed. It’s just not happening. Not only is THAT not happening but my acting career isn’t happening either. There’s something paralyzed in me now. Something that was seriously damaged by that rejection that I’m having a hard time finding. I’ve lost the edge, the eye of the tiger, the loving feeling, the magic touch. It’s gone babies! I don’t have it anymore! I’ve been mourning this loss for a while now, like a little baby sent down the river in a basket. I’ve been saying goodbye and goodbye to it. Then last summer, I took on a new project that I thought might be the answer to my artistic prayers. Well, that pretty much didn’t work out either. That loss is actually too fresh for me to talk about here. I haven’t figured it out yet but it’s intense.

I don’t think that I will never act again. I think I will find it again but it can’t be forced. I’ve decided to just step away from it for now and I’m not sure how or when I will step back.

That’s where the dog run comes in. I’m totally obsessed with this project, this doggie community. It’s a hard project, a lot has to be done and it’s going to take at least a year full of fundraising and manual labor before the place is in ship shape but the thing about the dog run is – it needs me. The poor little sad thing needs my help so badly. No one will step up and take on the responsibility of being in charge and it seemed so obvious to me that I had to. It’s like I’ve appointed myself the president of the Dog PTA. As you can imagine, the dog owner personalities are difficult and some are downright crazy. I’m doing my best to avoid conflicts in the personality arena, it can’t be avoided but I think I’m doing a pretty good job so far. I’m trying to listen to people’s needs and concerns without trying to please everyone. I’m trying to lead by inspiring people and not by brow beating them. It’s so funny because it actually brings back a lot of memories from my days as Student Body President. The other thing about working on the dog run is that it’s concrete. The fence has a hole, patch the hole. You see the results. I like it.

Last night I had a dream that I was a guest director at a graduate acting program. I was watching the student’s scenes and critiquing them, sort of like “American Idol”. I was being really supportive to them though and I really believed in them, I had this affection for them. The whole thing was taking place in the office where I work in real life. In the dream, while I was working with these kids, I was also working for the Portfolio Manager of our company (he’s the head honcho). He didn’t mind that I was working with these kids as long as I continued to greet his guests and answer his phone. He had a meeting with three people and I had to go out and greet them, get them something to drink and let them know that he would be with them in a few moments. When I went to get the men I realized that one of them was the Dali Lama. In my dream I knew the Dali Lama because I used to work for him as his secretary. He greeted me warmly and I sat him down at one of the desks and told him that my boss would be with him in a moment.

He seemed content to sit and wait.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

la Ketch's American Idol Picks

It's no secret that i am addicted.

Here are my top picks:


Top 5:

Pick to Win:

Of course now they're going to drag the shit out for like 16 weeks, forcing us junkies to watch that stupid jackie chan pepsi commercial 5 million times. I do like those commercials with the "office monkeys" though. "So I think we can agree that buying lots and lots of lottery tickets is not a good business plan." That's funny. Also, monkeys in suits are funny.

message in a bottle

some prayers are answered...

oh baby, let's just hope this rumor is true.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Lu Lu Eightball by Emily Flake

This is a bit out of season but pretty funny...

(Click on comic for larger view)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

final countdown

Finally. It’s only fourteen days until we go HERE. The Unbearably Light Jason Grote recently returned from HERE where he was Christianized against his will. St. Croix is in the US Virgin Islands where St. John is, where we’re going. When I saw his photos, I was so jealous because our trip seemed far, far away. Now it’s only 2 wittle baby weeks to go. That’s nothing.

It’s going to be here very soon and then it will be gone and then I will be right back here posting photos, obsessing on my next trip, which is far, far away. Hopefully, I will be tanner and happier but I know I will be focused on the future which is where I spend most of my time.

It’s not so bad. It’s better, in my opinion, than living in the past, which I rarely do. How can I live in the moment when I'm sitting at me desk bored out of my mind is not the question. The question is, how can I live in the moment when I’m actually there, in this place I've been visiting from my desk to escape boredom of sitting there? It works really well. I book trips, research them, think about them, buy clothes for them and then... will you look at that? I'ts five o'clock already. But what about when I'm actually sitting on the beach, swimming in the warm water, looking at the crazy fishes then... oh will you look at that, it's time to go back already. I truly wonder if I get more joy from anticipating things than I do from the actual experience. If you don’t practice living in the moment all of the time then it becomes difficult to be there at specified times, when the moment is particularly wonderful because you are in the habit of being somewhere else.

I, like a lot of people, spend a lot of time wishing my life away. Just gotta make it to five o’clock. Just gotta make it to Friday. I get really good at speeding it things up, moving it along. Time goes slow when you are miserable and fast when you are having a good time. Everyone knows that. And so the question remains, how can you slow time down while you are having a good time?


It’s really the only way.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

i love this photo...

Lu Lu Eightball by Emily Flake

(Click on Comic to for Larger View)

E in the Snow

Friday, February 10, 2006

White Out

Happy Friday. It’s been quite a week for me at work in that I have been working and that has cut into my blogging time considerably. It’s horrible and unjust, yes, but I’ve had no choice. I will explain in a bit. First I want to share with you, if you are not aware of it already, the pure joy and goodness that is

**Rilo Kiley**

FW first told me about them this summer when they were opening for the Pixies at Coney Island. A show I ended up missing regretfully because my MOM was in town. If she hadn’t given birth to me, I would have ditched her and gone. People said, “bring her” and I considered it because my mom is COOL but…. well she’s not THAT cool. (hi mom. i love you).

Anyway, I got the cd this summer and along with the new Harvey Danger, I listened to it until my ears bled. Then I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I have this crappy little MP3 player that only holds 70 songs but it’s perfect if you get new music because you can just load it on there and listen over and over (which I have a tendency to do). Now, I’ve gone back to it. I’ve gone back to even more of it because Dup got me the other two CD’s for Christmas.

If you haven’t heard it yet, click on this link here for a delicious taste:

The song playing on the website is “Portions for Foxes” and I think you will find that it is awesome. When I first heard this music I felt that the lead singer (Jenny Lewis, pictured above, who now has a side, solo project “Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins” also very good) was a cross between Gwen Stephanie and Lucinda Williams. Now I think she’s just her own, very real deal.

When I listen to that song in particular (Portions), I can’t help but imagine myself in a car, in LA, driving around in some cute outfit with big sunglasses, singing along. It is sunny and warm and I am oh so alive. The band is from LA and Jenny Lewis is from LA and it is cold here and GOD I WANT TO LIVE IN LA WITH JENNY LEWIS AND HER BAND.

Another video of Jill Carroll yesterday. I have a bad feeling about it. It seems like her captors aren’t even watching the fucking news. They want all female Iraqi prisoners released. Five have been released but there are still four in captivity. The US certainly will not release them. Jill Carroll says, “time is running out” and I believe her. I think they’re going to kill her. I feel like that’s the last time we see her alive. I know that’s extremely negative and I hope that I am wrong.

The reason I’ve been working so much is because I’m in this sort of fight with one of the girls in our office who usually does all of my work for me. She is young and obnoxious and not funny and totally annoying but I used to think she was nice and well meaning until she revealed herself to be a total bitch cunt. Now I hate her and I want to set her hair on fire which would be very easy because it’s extremely long, dry, lifeless and brittle.

I’ve always known that this girl was a bit insane. You can tell by talking to her for five minutes. She came to the city to be an actor (case and point). Worse, she thinks that she is an actor even though the only acting she has done in the three years since she’s been here is a show case that she did at the end of an acting class she took which she invited the entire office to. She didn’t just invite them, she sent out three reminder e-mails. Some people actually went to it and reported back that it was of course, painful, horrible, embarrassing and shameful. She talks about musical theatre constantly and she loves to talk about being “on tour” and how she was in “Cats”. She used to say that she was in “Cats” in a way that insinuated that she was in the actual Broadway production until someone said to her, ‘I can’t believe you were on Broadway.” And then she had to admit that she wasn’t. It wasn’t even a Broadway tour. It was after the show closed, some crappy community touring production. I can’t even talk to her about it to get more details. It’s too horrible. She also talks about being Anna in “The King and I” (summer stock somewhere) and how a reviewer said that she was more beautiful that the actor that played Anna in the movie (Deborah Kerr). Every time she opens her mouth I just feel so sorry for her. Correction: DID feel sorry for her. I did feel sorry for her until she went completely psycho on me and now I hate her stupid, bitch, cunt-face guts.

I won’t even tell you what transpired between us because it’s soooo officey and lame and boring. Ok, I’ll tell you. She was going to “Staples” to pick up some binders and it just so happened that we were out of white out and I needed some because I make a lot of mistakes. So I said, “You’re going to Staples? Can you pick me up a thing of white out?” She started getting all flustered, “Well I have to carry all of these binders.” I lifted the empty container of white out to demonstrate how small and easy to carry it would be, accompanied by a look that said, “you’re joking right?” She wasn’t joking. She had lost her mind. Just then another office monkey straddled up to the credenza and asked jovially, “You’re going to Staples? Can you get me some post-its?” Which caused her to completely freak out and say with rapidity and fervour, “This is not a normal Staples run. I’m not taking Staples orders. I’m just going to get the binders.” We were like, “Okay, whatever weirdo. We'll order the stuff ourselves. No bigee!” And then just as she was walking away one of the crazy, anal, analysts I work for IMs me, “Is someone going to Staples? I need dividers.” I knew that asking this crazy musical theatre bitch to get the goddamned dividers was going to push her over the edge. I should have just gone on my own when I went to get my lunch. I should have offered to go with her to help her carry the stuff but instead I walked up to her as she was putting on her coat and said, “I know you have a lot to carry but can you please get some dividers for Samantha. She really does need them immediately.” Then she really freaked out. She seriously looked like she was going to cry, “It’s just that this is not a regular Staples Run! I’m just going to get binders and now everyone is asking me to get them all of this stuff!” Not wanting to be outdone, I freaked out on her right back, loudly, in front of the whole office, “Why are you freaking out about this? Why are you freaking out about going to Staples? It’s just Staples? We’re not asking you to get the white out or the post its anymore. We will order them separately. I just need you to get these dividers. They are very light. I don’t think you will have any trouble carrying them and Samantha really does need them right away.” She’s like, “I was going to get dividers anyway.” And I said, “Good, then however many you were planning to get, just get one more.” My words were polite and reasonable But my tone was very condescending and like, “you crazy bitch” and I knew I had embarrassed the hell out of her but I think she deserved it.

Needless to say, ever since the whole thing went down she won’t look me in the eye and when she does, it's daggers. The worst part about it is she won’t do any of my work for me which means I’ve been doing tons of mindless data entry all week. If this goes on for too much longer, I’m going to have to speak with her in the conference room. I can’t be expected to work all the time like this.

I know that I humiliated her in front of the whole office but I can’t bring myself to go apologize because I feel that really, she humiliated herself by acting so crazy. I hate passive aggressive bullshit. If you have a fucking problem with me then let’s hug it out. Let’s discuss it and move on. That’s not her style though. She’d rather sit over there at the other end of the row and send me hate vibes all day. She’s over there right now, listening to her IPod (probably some crappy Kristen Chenoweth solo album or something) and IM’ing her stupid friends about how she wants to set my hair on fire but she can’t because it’s too healthy and shiny. I want to confront her and get it over with but I’m going to wait and see if she calms down. If she doesn’t, I’m going to have to suck it up and kiss her chunky ass because I can’t handle this work for much longer.

Have a good weekend everyone. It's supposed to snow a bunch here which I'm sort of looking forward to actually. Could be fun. Eliott loves the snow. I'll try and take some photos of him romping in it.

la Ketch

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Lu Lu Eightball by Emily Flake

(click on comic for larger view)