all about baby?

When I say a shift is about to happen, I mean that maybe I’ll be more talkative again. This past year really has been one of introversion for me, very unfamiliar territory. I usually just tell everyone everything that’s going on with me but it became clear pretty early on that trying to get pregnant wasn’t something that I should share with the masses. It’s a deeply personal thing. Breeding in general is a deeply personal thing and everyone has strong feelings and opinions about the subject. It opens you up to all sorts of feedback and the most horrible question of all, “are you pregnant yet?”

No. I’m just fat.

I wonder if this change, the pregnancy, the baby, will shift me into the world of mommy blogger? I really don’t want to only talk about being pregnant. And when I have a baby, I really don’t want to talk only about the experience of being a mother on my blog. A lot of mommy blogs talk about varied subjects though and I guess I’ll just have to give in to the fact that this is what is happening and I’m going to want to talk about it. Some people might get bored and leave, some people might become more interested.

I’m going to this fancy dinner at this fancy restaurant tomorrow night, with my boss and some other people from work. I had to go shopping today to find something to wear because I’m just now starting to not fit into my clothes so well. It’s exciting but also this awkward stage where my waist is gone but I don’t really look pregnant. I pretty much just look fat. I tried on a number of really adorable dresses, all of which made me look like a whale. I finally found something that shows my rack off so well that no one will notice my waist at all. I have to say the girls are looking pretty good these days. I have to fend Dup off with a taser. He just can’t seem to keep his hands to himself.

I was trying on one of these dresses and the shop girl asked me if I was having any luck. I told her my dilemma, “I’m just a little pregnant, so I’m having trouble finding something that doesn’t make me look fat. I don’t look pregnant enough yet.” Her response was, “oh, uh huh.” She couldn’t have given less of a shit about it. I need to start shopping at maternity stores where they are paid to be happy for you.

I want to remember that not everyone is going to be super excited or thrilled that I’m preggers. I mean all of my friends and family are super, genuinely excited but I have to remember that even I was (am?) among that certain sect of people that sort of feels a little bit like, “so fucking what? You’re having a baby. How original. Don’t you know that the world is fucked up? Don’t you know that we’re having a population crisis?” There are also the people who would really, really like to have a baby and can’t for various reasons and although they may not want to feel this way, they’re going to want to punch me in the face.

I know this because for the past year or so, whenever I’ve seen a pregnant woman, or heard about a friend that was having a baby, my first instinct was never a feeling of joy for them. It was a feeling of pure, unadulterated jealousy.

I’ve been feeling a sort of mounting anxiety for the past 2 years, pretty much since I got married, about wanting to get pregnant. I knew I wanted to have a baby and once we got married the instinct got really powerful and primal. I was a bit obsessed. There was a part of me that was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to do it. When Dup finally agreed that we could start trying, it was such a relief but of course I was so impatient and I wanted it to happen right away. Each month when I got my period I would die a little death and drink myself into a stupor. I didn’t want to talk to people about it. I didn’t want to go out and socialize because I didn’t feel like I could talk about anything else, so I just sort of skipped everything. It’s a wonderfully empowering thing to give yourself permission to not go to parties and plays. It was good practice for having to say no when the little one arrives but also, you know, you get lonely.

Then when I did get pregnant, it was so exciting but I was really superstitious and I didn’t want to talk about it. I guess I didn’t really believe it was happening. A lot of my friends have had miscarriages, it’s so common and so we didn’t talk. More not talking. It’s been good for me because I just talk so much. It’s like a drug to me. Being quiet for a while was good but enough is enough. I feel a little bit like, ok, I’m back. It feels good. I feel so totally blessed and lucky and happy to have this little dude growing in me. It’s such a freaky trip. I mean it’s the most normal thing in the world. It’s how we all got here but when it happens to you, you’re like, “what the?” When we saw the last ultrasound, which was just one of the coolest things, and the little guy was kicking all around I just couldn’t believe that was inside of me. It really made me feel a little bit like Alien.

I’m taking a Spanish class. I’ve wanted to for a long time, so I just signed up for it. It’s once a week after work for three hours for 8 weeks. I had my first class last Thursday and it was SO HARD. Now I remember why I had such a hard time in high school. It’s just a part of my brain seldom exercised. But it’s great. The class is small and the teacher is super cool and smart and funny. I like it. I should go do my work book right now actually. It’s very clear that the only way to do well is to practice on your own, A LOT.

See I can talk about other things.

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and congratulations. It means so much to me. I’m really excited to share it with y’all. I'm so glad to be back in the land of the talking. Fun times ahead.