Champion

When the judges walked into the room at the dinner before the Coronation Ceremony, they didn’t seem to know where they were supposed to sit or what they were supposed to do. All of us on the court had been nervously talking to each other in a group, “I luuuuv your dress. Your hair looks SOO BIG!” etc. When I saw that the judges were a bit lost, I did what any sane and rational person would do; I walked over and introduced myself. They seemed to really appreciate it. I showed them where the Stepford Wives Volunteer Librarian in charge was and walked back to the others. I could immediately sense disapproval. Someone said, “Isn’t that cheating?” Um I thought it was just being polite.

When we sat down at dinner, the judges asked us a lot of different questions. The one I remember specifically had to do with Anita Hill, which was the hot button topic at the time. I went into this whole diatribe about how I hoped that Clarence Thomas did sexually harass her because if he’s innocent this is going to look really bad for women’s rights. Now this is a very conservative part of the country and such a response could have gotten me into hot water under normal circumstances but in this case I was coming out on top because the other girls didn’t even know who Anita Hill was. They were total airheads. I take that back, one of them wasn’t. She was very smart, especially academically. She was the valedictorian actually and a star athlete and extremely kind and likeable but she was also painfully shy and spoke so softly that you barely hear her. I was definitely not the prettiest girl on the court. I wasn’t the best in school and I wasn’t an athlete at all but I was articulate and I paid attention to current events and that’s why I won – plain and simple. It was so easy; I could have done it in with a bag on my head. A bag with the mouth cut out of it.

As soon as the dinner was over I started to notice that the other girls were starting to alienate me. It was very sudden and deliberate. I guess it was a knee jerk reaction to the fact that I was KICKING THEIR ASSES. We all got changed into our formal wear at the gym in the locker rooms. I was clued into the alienation when they moved to a separate area of the locker room from me and proceeded to whisper about me in an obvious way. It was purely ridiculous.

Once we had used at least two cans of Aqua Net each, Stepford Wives Volunteer Librarian came in. She told us that she has very special news. It turns out that secretly, something that she does every year for the contestants is, ten minutes before the program starts, she tells you what question they are going to ask you. This way you have a moment to think about your reply. I’m sure she started doing this because there were too many years of the contestants completely choking, stammering and staring off into space, etc. She was in charge of the event and she had to acknowledge that beyond the competition, there was an entertainment quality to the show and she needed to cater to it. She gave us our questions but she made us promise not to tell. We promised.

I began composing my response immediately. I decided what I would say and then I practiced it over and over again so that it sounded natural. The other girls got their questions too but they continued to do their hair, talk about the party afterwards, how nervous they were, etc. They did not practice their answers and consequently, they SUCKED IT.

We each go out there one at a time. We walk the long walk down the long walkway which is really just butcher paper lined with Christmas lights. As we are walking, trying not to fall over from moving so slowly, someone is reading our life story essay over the sound system. When we get to the stage they ask us our question.

My question: La Ketch, what does the phrase, "Be the Best that you can Be." mean to you and why?

Pretty stupid ass question right? It's almost the motto of the US Army.

My Answer: “Thank you for your question. I think that in today’s society there is too much emphasis being put on being the BEST when the emphasis should be put on being the best that you can BE. My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Ryan always told me, “It’s better to aim for the moon and miss than aim for the gutter and hit it.” I’ve tried to aim for the moon and I know that if I continue to do so, I will hit it more often than I miss. Thank you.”

That’s what I said pretty much verbatim. Does it sound rehearsed? Yes. Does it make any sense? Not at all. It was however clear, concise and spoken with confidence and ease from the diaphragm. The other responses were choked, stammering, filled with “um” and leg shifting and your normal stuff that you get from people who are terrified of public speaking.

Once we’ve all gone, we sit on the side of the stage and the Jazz Choir sings some songs and then the judges come back out and they announce the winner. I knew I was going to win. I knew it. Still, when they announced my name, I did a little yelp, doubled over, put my hands up to my face and I started to cry. They handed me a huge bouquet of roses and they put a crown on my head and I just cried and cried. I waved at the crowd, “Thank you. Thank you so much.” The crowd sort of clapped robotically. I was clearly not the favorite. Others would have gotten louder cheers, I’m sure. With me, there was sort of this “hmp, figures” murmuring mixed with in with clapping but I could hear Mag screaming my name above everyone. She was screaming so loud for me and I felt totally awesome. I was really happy to win. Wining feels good and I felt that I had deserved to be Queen.

After the ceremony all of the girls (except for the valedictorian who did not have a cruel bone in her body) were entirely cold to me. There was a big party at one of the girls’ houses, hosted by her parents. It was billed as a “Champagne Celebration.” I thought I was going to it afterwards like everyone else. I couldn't wait to walk around with that goddamned crown on my head. I went up to the group to see when they were leaving and how everyone was getting there and the girl who was having the party said to me, “See you tomorrow La Ketch.” Huh. Uninvited. Ok. I went back to my house with Mag and hung out with her and my mom. It was very anticlimactic. I had expected my world tour to begin immediately. I thought I would be acting as a UN Ambassador or going to charity events like Miss America. But I wasn’t Miss America. I was EHS Homecoming Queen. So I went to bed early.

As a side note, I recently heard that the girl who uninvited me to her party is still living in the Claw and has developed a serious crystal meth problem. I heard that she had to be rescued out of her apartment after locking herself in there because she thought the devil was chasing her. The devil probably was chasing her. There are evil spirits running rampant in that town. Or maybe she went and saw the “Exorcism of Emily Rose” and just got really freaked out by it like Eve did.