Pray for the Beagle

Well folks we almost made it to 2009 without another major expense slapping us in the face but not quite. On Christmas Day, Eliott injured himself jumping off the bed. We didn't take it too seriously because he's had a slipped disc in his back before and the Vet just gave him some pain meds and it improved. It was a weekend and the Vet didn't open until Tuesday so we delayed bringing him in. So you can imagine our guilt upon discovering on Tuesday night, after taking him the Animal Hospital because he seemed to be getting worse, that he is suffering from a degenerative spine disorder and may need major back surgery that could cost us up to $8,000. They are telling us that if action isn't taken he could become completely paralyzed in his back legs.

We met with the surgeon the next day and she is willing to try giving him steroids for 2 weeks to see if this improves the condition without surgery. This moved the decimal point over one to make the vet bill $800.00 But still, FUCK.

Eliott is our first born but he has a lot of issues. He has always been high maintenance and now with 2 kids, he is often what pushes us over the edge into insanity stress wise. But he's our baby and he's very very very close with Dup. Dup will not consider putting him down. Will not even entertain the idea. Ultimately I agree with him. We can't do it. We would never forgive ourselves. But I can't tell you that I didn't entertain the idea...

He's at a tricky age. He's 8. So he could have another 4-6 good years left. On the good side, we would lose him before the kids get too attached. I mean losing the family dog when the kids are 6 and 8 years old? How do you spell "shit storm"? Oh, I think it's S H I T S T O R M. Yeah, I wouldn't mind avoiding that one. But on the bad side of letting him go now, he'd be gone and we will miss him too much to explain here.

We've already decided. We're going to save the beagle. Even if we have to finance $8,000 we will save the fucking beagle.

For $8,000 I could get redo my kitchen.

I could get fake boobs AND a chemical peel.

I told Dup that if we do go ahead with the surgery we should ask them to remove his vocal chords while they're at it.

Yes, I am going to hell.

We love you Eliott. We are glad you're here. Please stay.

I said stay! Get back here! (damn dog)

And there it is, the holidays are over. I'm back at work and it will be a quiet week so I can catch my breath and write a proper blog entry. My boss is out. The other big boss is out and another person that I support is out. I have a lot to catch up on but it's only Monday, so there is time to write.

We had a great Christmas up at my mom's. Dup's dad came out and I brought my Grammy up there too. Davey got a Lightning McQueen scooter and a Go Diego Go trike. Both are bright plastic, made in China and bought at Wallmart. He loves them. He also got a Diego toothbrush, Diego Bandaids, Diego Matchbox Cars.... did you know that you can buy any thing that exists in either the Diego or Dora brand? It's true! Go to Target and see for yourself. I bought Dup a pack of "Go Diego Go" condoms. Outrageous.

Condoms is right my friends because 3 children we will not be having. People keep asking me, "are you going to go for your girl?" and my response is, "and have 3 boys?" No way Jose. I'm so thrilled to have my two little dudes that there are no words. Last night I put myself to bed with "The Land of Nod" catalog which is porn for middle class parents. I can not afford anything in this catalog but they had the most adorable bunk beds and I loved imaging Davey and Jasper sleeping like that in the same room. When they are old enough, I'd like to do that and have the other room as a play room/guest room. We'll see what they want to do when it comes time.

I do think that Davey will transition into a toddler bed soon. He hasn't climbed out of his crib yet but I know that he could if he tried and he keeps swinging his leg up as if to do it. I guess he just hasn't given it a go yet. Time will tell.

Jasper is getting SO CUTE. He's over his baby acne and he's super chubby and smiles all the time and sometimes he gets really excited and seems to be laughing, although he's not completely belly laughing yet. Davey is so sweet with him still. He really likes him, which touches a very deep place in my soul. Last night, Jasper was lying on his Gymini Playmat with the little toys hanging down and Davey crawled in there with him so they were both laying on their backs looking up at the animals. I was worried at first, that Davey was going to hurt him but then he started showing Jasper the Cow and telling him, "Cow, mooo. Cow Jaxspur. Cow mooo." And Jasper just looks up at him like he is a God. It was so damn cute.

Dup has a break from school but at the same time Davey is on a break from Daycare so he has both boys every day. Luckily I've had short weeks. It's a lot! There's very little rest for the Dupster.

I've been having ego twingey moments about my lost life as an actor. I kind of thought I was "over" it but I've been reminded that life is cyclical and you never get "over" things like this you just get through them and learn to greet them in a more mature way. A strange thing triggered it for me and then there was another thing that blew it wide open and now my ego is really torn and battered and needs some healing.

So the first thing was; I was reading an article in the New Yorker about this guy who does accent work for Hollywood. He's the dialect guru. It was an interesting story about his career and the work he does. The whole time I was reading it I was going, "oh my god I want to do that." Not what the dialect coach was doing, what the actors were doing. I was thinking, "I want to study a character. I want to do an accent. I can do this. I have an ear for this. If I was given an opportunity to do this. I could do this." That little voice was louder than it had been in a long time and it shocked me a little. It was actually nice to hear, nice to know that it's in there somewhere. Talent? Then this other thing happened...

It's been a running theme in my office career that I am involved in you know, whatever creative activity might be happening because of my creative background. I'm typically the designated party planner, etc. I've spoken here before about my success at my last company with the holiday party entertainment and how that basically turned me into an office celebrity. So this year my boss was asked to give a speech at the company party, which is a huge party that our parent company throws, bringing together several smaller companies that operate under their umbrella, so it's like 250 people that attend. So instead of giving a speech she decides that she wants our Junior Analysts to do a rap. Yes a rap. They are all super erudite and not natural performers and I'm thinking this is a horrible idea but of course I'm like, "oh yes Ms. boss of mine, this is a brilliant idea!" Then she puts me in charge of making sure it doesn't suck.

In the end they decide to do a poem instead, which I think is a much better idea and easier to pull off. They end up each writing a verse set to "Twas the Night Before Christmas" it's topical and charming and I worked with them on their delivery. The best part was one of the Jr. Analysts is from China and his English is really bad so his verse was super crazy and didn't rhyme and sounded like this GENIUS haiku thing that no one ever could have written if they were trying to be funny but it's really really funny. I convinced him to scream it at the top of his lungs and it was pretty hilarious. I warned them that people on the perimeter of the room might be talking and that they would hear that and to just power through it but when it came time to do it at the party the "audience" wouldn't stop at all. The woman Emceeing was horrible and couldn't get them back. I wanted to jump up and tell every one to shut the fuck up but I felt it would be inappropriate... so it kind of ended up sucking and the poor kids were disappointed because we had worked so hard on it. The next day I asked my boss if we could do a repeat performance of it on the trading floor and she was like, "sure!" I thought this second go would really bring the house down because they would be less nervous and every one could hear. I had the idea that I would introduce them and really get the room focused and rooting for them....

Well it all went to shit. First of all, when it came time to do it I was running around getting people to come watch and they just started without me before I could introduce them. They just launched into it and half the room was not paying attention. Second, one of the Jr. Analysts initially told me he didn't want to do it because of stage fright and I told him no problem, sit it out. I don't like to pressure people who have legitimate stage fright to perform because guess what, they suck and they make everyone stare at the ground and wish they were dead. So guess what happens. He had secretly written a verse and he jumps into the performance without telling me. I had no chance to work with him so you could barely hear what he was saying, he tripped over his words, he was looking at the ground and his hand was shaking. All of the other performers had theirs memorized, heads up, loud voices, all the stuff I had coached them on. Anyway, he ruined the whole thing and everyone was so embarrassed for him and he glared at me afterwards. As if I had put him up to it! Then they all publicly thanked me for all of the hard work I did on it. So every one thought I had put him up to it. Horrible.

I wanted to die. MOTHER FUCKING SHIT. If I can not nail the office Christmas party then what the fuck? It's a sad day in Hilaryland when I can not nail the stupid ass office Christmas party.

So I've been running that piece of shit over and over in my mind for the past 2 weeks and it's a horrible, horrible feeling.

I think it's serving a purpose though because it's made me want to get back on the horse. Not the office Christmas party horse, although yes, I WILL need to redeem myself next year, but the acting horse. Not anytime soon but one day, I feel like one day I want to... I don't know, do something. Take improv classes probably or something. It seems like the most logical window to enter back through. I'm not saying I want to try and be a working actor. I'm definitely over that idea. I just want to exercise the muscle. I think it's necessary for me to do it in order to feel like whole person. Like the person God intended me to be.

Wow. Deep.

Dup and I are going on the South Beach diet after the New Year. It's the only diet I've ever tried that really makes sense to me in that it's basically like, "eat healthy and exercise." Smart huh?
We both need to lose about 15lbs of stomach fat. Wish us luck.

That's all I've got for now. Above are 2 photos we took at Thanksgiving.

From one of Davey's books...

"Where does the world end?" asked the little mole.

The whale replied, "End? I have swum in this ocean all my life and I have never seen an end."

rebooting my mental computer

A month! I try not to go a month but I know you understand. Here is a free write on my current state and a photo of Jasper at 5 weeks. He's going to his 2 month appt. tomorrow. 2 months already, yes. Time does pass.

Throw up, throw up, throw up. projectile vomiting. davey sick. omg is it h1n1 stay home from work first day back but he's ok. dup sick too but he's ok jasper ok thank god pray for jasper not to get sick. i have a sinus infection. no sleep. if not one then the other. jasper a doll. wake up only 1x 2 nights in a row. work weird to be back but like i never left. every one nice. peer review positive hopefully will get full bonus even though not here last 2 months. temp left me a ton of fucking work to do but i should thank her because my boss hated her and tells me 10x a day she is so glad i am back. phew. davey getting a diego trike for x-mas from grammy and dino toys from grandpa and we're doing his stocking. deron working hard. lots of plagiarizing. it makes him mad. he does have some good students though. holiday party at work on thursday. thank god i can drink and thank god i have to leave early so i won't get drunk. thank god for coffee. drinking lots of caffine to stay awake. i always get sick when not enough sleep. this is only temporary. jasper is already in his own room. it's good for my sleep but sometimes i worry and want him to sleep by me because he's a sweet baby. davey loves jasper and is more interested now that he is smiling and coos. jasper lights up like a firefly when davey talks to him. i do think they will be good friends. all in all we are happy but we are exhausted. all i can think about sometimes is painting the walls in our condo but when to do it? no time. no time to paint. i want to scrub the grout on the tile in the bathrooms with bleach and a tooth brush. every time i look at it i want to do it but no time for that. going today after work to get davey and deron h1n1 vaccinations at a walk in clinic. pediatrician and reg doc don't have it. i was vaccinated by my mom at her medical office because i'm a breastfeeding mom. jasper too young to vaccinate. i was hedging on getting it but after davey got sick this last time it scared me. jasper could die if he got it. so we're high risk. i don't think every one should get it but we should. so that's my night tonight. i have about 2 tons of expense reports to file before the end of the week. it's so boring i could shoot myself.

but i won't.