on waiting

I've mentioned many times here that i have problems with limbo and that my most uncomfortable moments are spent waiting for big events. Conversely, the anticipation of things to come is largely what drives me and I have a hard time remaining calm with out some big event on the horizon. It's really the final weeks and days leading up to the event that make me coo coo. I just get so uneasy and cant sit in my own skin.

What I mean by big event is like: moving to New York, starting school, getting engaged, wedding, honeymoon, baby, new job, apartment move, buying a house, baby #2, moving to Los Angeles, etc. Those kind of big events.

The point of this preface is that currently, I find myself in the unfamiliar place of not really waiting for anything.

I've moved to LA and we plan on staying indefinitely. We bought a condo where we plan on living until our kids graduate from high school at least (who knows but it's probable). I am married. I have my two kids and my husband and my dog. I'm at a good job where I can hopefully stay for a long time.

So, the question my mind has started to ask is, "what's next?"

And the answer is, "live your life."

It's mostly a wonderful feeling really. This is my life. It's happening now, all around me. This is my house and that is my husband and those are my children and this is my car and this is my job and that is the sun and I'm breathing the air and I'm drinking the coffee and I'm drinking the wine and I'm eating the In and out burgers and I'm talking to my neighbors and I'm swimming in the pool and I'm going to the zoo and I'm visiting my family and I'm planning my vacation and I'm refurbishing my condo.

Those last two are the main things I can put in front of myself. The vacations and the refurbishing. The most wonderful news that I have to share with you is that we are getting new carpet. If you've seen the carpet we have currently then you know how wonderful this truly is. If you haven't seen it let me just tell you that it is old and it is really fucking dirty and full of the previous owners cat and we all have allergies. New carpet is going to change our lives.

Also, we're going to Yosemite this summer. Yosemite is a place we used to vacation to every summer when I was a little girl living in California and it has special importance because my dad loved it there. He was very into John Muir (Davey's middle name is Muir), the naturalist who sort of introduced the idea of National Parks and spent most of his life dedicated to saving Yosemite and other beautiful places in the country. My dad was a very avid back packer hiking the John Muir Trail solo, each summer for several years up until the last year of his life. He didn't get a chance to finish it but my feeling is that is spirit is there, in Yosemite and I'm very anxious to go back there and hear his voice in the sound of the air moving through the trees. I'm mostly looking forward to showing my children this place that my family has so many happy memories of and I'm hoping they will grow up with similar happy memories of their time there.

So I'm waiting for that.

Carpet and Yosemite. Is it enough?

Yes. It think so for now.

Thank you.

photo of Tay in the 8th grade

I'm going to the funeral of a childhood friend today. She was about to turn 36, which is the same age my mom was when my dad died. My friend has four small children.

I'm dreading going to this funeral but I know that it's important that I go. Her family needs to see how many of us loved their girl. She and I lost touch through the years but she sent me a message on facebook a while back and we said hi to each other.

What I remember about my friend is that she was always a mother, even when we were young. She always had her arms open for a hug and when my dad died she took me on when many of my friends didn't know what to do and some couldn't look me in the eye.

Is there anything more sad than 4 small children who have lost their mother?

nope.

say a prayer dear friends. I'm leaving for the funeral in about 30 minutes and I plan on taking a xanex in about 15.