la Ketch

my life story

Monday, May 11, 2009

worry wart

We had a really nice Mother's Day wknd. On Saturday we drove out to Malibu and met Willis at what I think is one of the best fish and chips places I've ever eaten at. I love Fish and chips. So we went there and it was delicious and then we took Davey to Zuma beach and hung out there for about an hour. An hour was all we had time for and also any of us three adults had the energy for because Davey LOVES THE BEACH. He loves the ocean and he wants to kill himself by running directly into the waves with no fear whatsoever. I said to Willis and Dup, you know it really makes you realise that if we weren't around they would just kill themselves. Davey would not sit still and play with his sand toys like a little angel. He ran towards the water, he ran towards the volley ball games, he ran towards the birds. He was so happy. It was adorable and thank god for Dup and Willis because they chased him while I mostly sat fat and happy.

On the drive home, which was gridlock, Davey kept saying over and over again. "bye bye beach! bye bye beach!" It was pretty cute.

Davey has been obsessed with these plastic push cars that every one seems to have but us. I've been hesitant to get him one because they're like $50 and a lot of times with these things they like them for like a week and then it's like, "next." Plus I don't want to buy him everything he wants just because he wants it. The flip side is that he likes to ride in it and he hates riding in his stroller so I was thinking that if we got one of these we might be able to take some long walks again without Davey fussing 15 min into it. Eliott would appreciate this very much because his long walks have been few and far between lately. So instead of buying one, I put out a query on my mom's group list and I got a response back, "I have one you can have for free but it's pink." I was like, "sure!" So Dup went and picked up on Saturday and we presented it to Davey on Sunday morning and he climbed into it gleefully immediately. We took a long walk and every one was happy. Dup is slightly disturbed by the pinkness. It is confusing to people to see a little boy driving a pink car. People have an innate need to know if they are looking at a boy or a girl. It's weird but true. Dup placated himself by remembering that Elvis himself drove a pink Cadillac.

Dup had to work most of the Day yesterday so Davey and I just hung out, played with the car, he took a monster nap and then when he woke up we all went to the Soupplantation for dinner, my request. It was wonderful except that I woke up at 12am with a HORRIBLE stomach pain and couldn't sleep. I think it was from the clam chowder.

When my mom was pregnant with me she craved steamed clams and ate them by the bucket full but after I was born, steamed clams gave her a horrible stomach ache and still do to this day. I loved steamed clams and clam chowder and now it seems I may be fated to the same horrible stomach allergy. Very strange. We'll see but I'm not excited to test it out because the pain is so acute and horrible. Also, because I'm pregnant, I was super worried that it was something else, early labor a miscarriage; I didn't know. I sat awake worrying.

I had been feeling the baby move an teensy bit the week before, which is so wonderful and reassuring and what I've been waiting for. There's nothing that connects you more to your little fetus than feeling it move. It's like, "hi mama!" I love it. So that's been great but then last night I realised that I hadn't felt the baby move all weekend and I started to worry worry worry that something was going wrong. I considered waking Dup, calling the doctor, imagining us all in the ER in our pajamas. Then finally a little voice came into my head and said, "it was the clam chowder. It's just your stomach. You'll feel the baby move at work tomorrow." It's much easier to feel the baby move when I'm at my desk at work because I'm sitting still and quiet. I can notice the subtle nuances. So after I heard that message I was able to relax and fall asleep and my stomach felt better in the morning and yes, I've felt the baby move a few times already today, SWEET RELIEF.

I wonder when I will stop worrying about this baby, this pregnancy. I know I didn't worry about Davey like this. I just knew he would be ok. It's because of the miscarriage that I'm worrying but everything is going so well now. I wish I could just turn these negative thoughts off somehow. Stop living in fear and dread of something bad happening. This baby needs my positive vision, my positive thoughts. This baby needs me to see the entire trajectory of the pregnancy, the healthy birth, the big fat healthy baby in my arms, coming home from the hospital. I need to see that for myself too. It's so hard to discern the difference between instinct and paranoia. Am I getting the feeling that something is wrong because something is wrong and I'm sensing it or am I getting the feeling that something is wrong because I'm a fucking worry wart? I need to chill out and think some happy thoughts.

In awesome, amazing news it looks like Dup and I have settled on a name that we both really really love. I'm so excited about this name. I think the little baby sent it to us like a message in a bottle. This is what he wants his name to be.

Sorry, can't tell you.


At 7:13 PM, Blogger Tina Rowley said...

I eventually hit a point where I stopped worrying, maybe a month or two ago. I bet/hope/expect that the moment will arrive for you at some point, out of the blue. It's tough, though, when the paranoia is there. You just can't relax because if you relax you feel like you're going to kill the baby. You'll have left a door open for mayhem. Positive thoughts are good, and so are NO THOUGHTS AT ALL. Just going blank sometimes. Make your mind go all limp. Then the negative part of your mind doesn't try and rumble with the positive part. I don't know. Don't listen to me. I just get it, that feeling. You guys are going to go all the way. And I'm so glad you guys found a name that's making you both happy! We can live, we can wait.

I love that Davey is rockin' a pink car. I think the more little boys hang with pink things, the better. Let this next generation grow up less wacked out about the girliness of pink. Let that pink phobia go extinct. Finn has this pink shirt that he loves, and he looks VERY PRETTY in it. And we were talking about school, talking about him having a lunch box some day, and I asked him what color he'd want. Of course, I was like, "Blue? Green?" because I also have vestigial dinosaur parts, but Finn was like "PIIIINK!" Anyway, I love Davey in the pink Elvis car. Totally bitchen.


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