18 Weeks

I'm sorry I haven't posted a picture of my belly. All the ones I've taken suck because I'm either having a hot flash or we're trying to get out the door or both. I have a strategy on how to get a good photo though and I think I should have one by tomorrow.

So, I'm feeling pretty good these days. I'm 18 weeks along now and my pregnancy is pretty obvious unless I'm wearing my puffy coat. People don't give me a seat on the subway because I'm usually wearing it. Last Thursday I walked onto a very crowded train after work and I was tired so I decided to unzip my coat so that people could see my belly. Someone instantly shot up an offered me a seat. "Thank you so much," I said. Then I realized that I had just taken the seat of a woman who probably needed it more than I did. Meanwhile, hoards of healthy, young men sat stationery in their seats with their legs spread open and their eyes closed. Once I start showing more and the weather is nicer so that I'm not wearing this big coat, I know that this issue is going to drive me insane. I watch this all of the time. Young, healthy men sitting with their legs spread, taking up two seats while pregnant women and old people cling to the pole and stand. On more than one occasion, I have stood up to offer my seat to an ailing person or a pregnant woman and a young healthy person has SAT DOWN IN IT. I have had to say, "no, I didn't get up for you. I got up to offer her my seat or him my seat." New Yorkers turn into a different breed of asshole when they are commuting. It's really unbelievable.

So, anyway, that was a milestone. Someone offered me a seat on the subway because they could see that I was pregnant. Another milestone - I can feel the baby moving! It started in the beginning of my 17th week. I started to feel little flutters. I wasn't positive that this was the baby but I had a feeling it was. They've gotten stronger now and I'm certain it's the baby. It's so freaking weird to feel this little guy moving in me but it's weird in the very coolest way. It's like the baby is saying hello to me, asserting it's presence. "Hello baby," I reply. I just love it when it happens. Everything else stops around me and I just listen to this little one for a bit.

I'm acutely aware of how hard this baby is working on growing in there. It takes a lot of effort to form into a human and this baby is doing it! I root for it every day. I'm proud of it and I have a deep affection for it already. I can't imagine what it will feel like to meet it. My heart will just explode I guess.

I've made some decisions lately that have really helped me. I decided to quit a bunch of things. The past year or so has been about letting things go and getting ready for this baby. I've had to learn to say "no" like never before. It's such a challenge when you want to people to see you in a certain way. So I've been quitting and trying not to care what people think about this. But things sneak back in. I sign up for shit without even being conscious that I'm doing it. I came to a point last week where I realized I had too much on my plate again. Usually, I will pick one thing and quit it. Instead, I quit it all. It was really hard to do and some people tried to pull me back in but I finally put my foot down and they let me go. I have to say, I am so relieved. I need to focus 100% on this baby now. It could be the most important thing I ever do in my life. In a good way. I want to give it everything I have.

I've been reading a lot about birth now and I'm starting to get much less afraid and much more excited. It's crazy how opinionated people are about how babies come into the world. It's such a hot button topic for people. Everyone is so curious and asking me all sorts of questions about how I'm going to do it. I really need to just shut up and stop divulging my plans. For one, I have no idea what will happen for sure that day(s) and two, it's none of their fucking business.

I made the mistake of telling one of the women I work with that I'm going to try and have a natural childbirth in a birthing center. She keeps asking me about it and she's super apprehensive. I hate that I disclaim it to her or apologize to her for it. On Friday she asked me about it again and I said, "but the labor and delivery ward is just one floor up, so if I can't take it then I have the option of going up there." She said, without thinking I presume, "I have a feeling you'll be making that trip." I really wanted to knock her the fuck out. Thanks for the confidence bitch. I didn't say anything though. It's not worth it.

The good news is that most of my life I've known I wanted to have a baby but I've always been terrified of the pain and I'm just not terrified anymore. Of course I have some fear but it's far outweighed by excitement. I know that many things can go wrong but I also know now that many things can go right. That it's possible to have really powerful positive feelings, physical and emotional. Then, of course, there's the meeting the baby part of it. It's going to be unreal.

Still, we have a ways to go here. I want to focus on myself now and the growing baby now. One week from Wednesday we will be at 20 weeks and we will have our 20 week anatomy scan. Hopefully, we'll be able to see if it's a boy or a girl. I've enjoyed not knowing so far but I'm excited to find out. I used to really think that it is a boy but now I'm completely blank. I have no idea what it is. I still couldn't care less. I can find exciting things about both. I'm just hoping for healthy baby. Oh we got the genetic tests back and so far, so good. Everything looks normal and no need for Amnio or anything like that. Yay!

Ok, so I'll post a photo real, real soon.