American Idol Recap

Top Six. Mothafuckahhhhh.

Andrea Bocelli is the guest host, dear lord, zzzzzzzZZZZZ.

Catherine is first. She’s singing a Whitney Houston song.

Ok people. She’s going to win it. She is. She’s the best. The judges slaughtered her. All of them. Mark my words though. She’s going to win. They’re all like, “you think you’re as good as Whitney Houston? You’re NOT.” Guess what people? Whitney Houston is a CRACK WHORE. Please. She sucks the glass pipe for breakfast lunch and dinner. She loves the crackedy crack crack. Whitney looks 100 years old and dead. Catherine has boobs like grapefruits and a smile like a toothpaste commercial.

Paula seems disappointingly sober.

I wish I could say the same for myself.

Elliott is next. No not my Beagle sillies! Elliott Yamin. The Gallivanting Monkey loves Elliott. I think he’s got a great voice but he lacks the panache and the sex appeal to win it. HOWEVER, I thought his performance last week was really, really good. Let’s see what he has for us tonight.

Hmmmm. He’s looking hotter lately. Looks great in that suit. Ok, I’d fuck him (if I wasn’t married! Hi Dup.)

OMG Paula is crying? She’s Crying? Ok she’s wasted. She is so fucked. She wants to Fuck him too. They love him. Simon says vocal master class. I think Catherine was better overall. I DO.

Kellie is up next. Let’s see what that little bimbo is going to give us tonight. Honestly, I love listening to hear Kelly sing. She has a very clear voice and it’s really nice to listen to. She has joyful quality to her voice, like Dolly Parton. You gotta love her because she is just so sweet but lord on a board is she really, really that dumb? I can’t figure it out. I think that partially yes, she is really, really dumb but also, it’s just part of her deal. I mean she has comic timing and you have to have some sense in your head to have that. So she’s dumb but she’s not THAT dumb. No one is that dumb. It’s impossible. She drives me crazy when she talks. God SHUT UP!! She’s hot though. Totally hot. I’d fuck her. She walks like she’s holding a marble between her thighs. OMG she’s sucking up the stage. Everyone is falling asleep. She hit’s the high note but overall the performance isn’t her best. Let’s see what the judges think. OH GOD Paula shut up. Her opinion is useless. Simon is right, he thought it was monotonous, bland.

Who is next? PAAAAARRRIIIIISSSSS My favorite. I love, love, love her. She has been my favorite from the beginning. She is no longer my favorite to win but she is forever my favorite. I think she is the most unique and the most talented. I love how she changes her outfits to some whacky new theme every week and she has this musical royalty in her blood.

This song is so fucking boring I want to shoot myself in the head. Is she 75 years old? Barbara Streisand? BABS? Oh God why Paris? I hope I can stay awake until the end. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Also, she’s dressed like a grandma. Paris! You’re still my favorite.

Shit I HAVE to go get my laundry before Taylor sings. Damn it’s raining. They close at 9! I have to go.

Luckily they have American Idol on in the laundry mat. I was sort of talking to the woman who runs the place while I was watching Taylor out of the corner or my eye but my general impression was ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. It’s LOVE SONGS people not BORING SONGS.

The horrible news is that the woman who runs our laundry mat just told me their landlord is raising the rent and they are moving. Nooooo. Something you may not know about me is that I do a lot of laundry. I’m seriously over there like every other day and they are directly next door to us. It’s so convenient. It really makes life worth living. Plus they are so nice and they have become like family to us. What will we do? The good news is that after they move they will have drop off and pick up. That’s kind of awesome but I will not see them as much. Also, what about my delicates? I can't just have them pick that stuff up. I have to do it myself. They are not even considering my delicates in this decision.

Chris is everyone’s favorite to win. People love him. I like him but I wouldn’t fuck him. His arms are too much like Popeye. I don’t like his stiff arms. Ok, he was good. He’s definitely a contender. Whatever Chris. I hope he doesn't win.

I have no idea who is going to get voted off the show tomorrow night. It could be KELLIE. It really could be. It also could be Elliott even though the judges blew all that sunshine up his ass. Because the judges don’t vote.

America VOTES.