mind control

I’m a control freak. I’ve been so depressed all afternoon because not very many people showed up to help with the dog run clean up today. I am the only person that looks forward to dog run clean up. It’s good exercise for one thing but also, it’s a community activity and I love seeing the difference after we’re done. It always looks so much better. Today I did most of the work myself. Usually there is a core of regular dog run users that shows up and helps for the majority of the time and then there are the randoms that come to use the run and end up helping for a little bit.

What really confused me about today’s lack of helpers was that the weather was so perfect for it, great dog weather – brisk, sunny, no wind. My standard line when people enter the run is something like, “Hey there, we’re doing a clean up today. You’re welcome to chip in. It’s not mandatory but we could use your help. The dog run is not maintained by the parks department it’s maintained by the users.” People today would be like, “Ok great thanks!” and then go over and sit on the bench and watch me rake wood chips.

It’s not easy work. I will not be able to walk tomorrow and I have blisters on my hands. I understand why people don't want to subject themselves to manual labor on their day off. I just got the feeling from people that it wasn’t that they didn’t want to help; they just didn’t want to help me. I was really trying so hard to be nice and I think that I was very, very polite but there’s a seething that goes on underneath it that people would be blind not to pick up on and that is what they react to.

Why can’t I get people to do what I want them to do?

I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am screaming and no one is listening. I’ve mentioned it before on this blog. I’m SCREAMING at everyone and people are laughing at me. It’s the worst most horrible dream in the world.

No that not true. There’s another dream that has become reoccurring and I’ve spoken about it here before too but I had it again last week and I can even begin to tell you how disturbing it is. In the dream, I murder someone that I care about very much. I don’t really mean to do it. It’s not calculated but I know that an action that I take will kill them and I do it anyway. Then it becomes apparent to me that I can get away with the murder and the guilt is too much for me to bear. Oh yes, I remember now, the last time I had this dream was just after I read, “Crime and Punishment.” In the latest version I poisoned one of my dearest friends. It was the most horrible feeling ever. I had to call her the next day to tell her about it, just so that I could shake this feeling. She was like, “Oh that’s very ‘Heathers’ isn’t it?” She was right. I think that’s where I got the scenario.

Is anything in my mind my own?

Dup and I are obsessed with “The Office”. We just finished the season two finale on DVD and I play the last scene over and over again. Be still my beating heart. Tonight after watching it again with commentary, I asked Dup if we could play, “Pam and Jim.”

He said no.