on doing.

I’ve been trying to formulate this post about doing but I’m having trouble getting it into the right words. I actually posted something last week but I took it down because it seemed too hostile. It was a rant of sorts but I was afraid that people might somehow take it personally. Then Bog Face wrote to me and asked me if I had taken it down because she thought it was interesting. So I guess, Bog Face, this is for you.

I’ve been having trouble in social situations lately with this question:

What are you up to these days?

Or What are you doing these days?

Or the worst, Are you doing anything?

(Which means, Are you acting in anything?)

My answer to this questions these days is something like, “No, nothing really. Just working and hanging out, working on the Dog Run.” People have varying reactions to this and sometimes they will actually ask about the Dog Run because it’s so ridiculous and unusual and I’ll talk about it for a while because I could talk about it for hours. I try to make it funny and entertaining but it’s not anything most people are truly interested in learning about. I’m digressing though...

What I’m trying to examine is how I’ve become hyper aware lately of how much people rely on this topic of conversation. What are you DOING? Our existence is justified by what we do in life. I think this is probably an especially American thing. At least that’s what I’ve heard. We are a bit obsessed with what we do. I think there are times in all of our lives when we love this question, “What are you doing?” Because we have some exciting or wonderful news to share and there are other times we dread it because things are going badly or our lives just seem boring.

I think the struggle I’m having is that I’m really very much ok with not doing anything right now. It’s been sort of a goal of mine to drop unsatisfying projects and I’ve done that and I’m actually really enjoying my routine. Yes, I’m watching too much television and not reading enough. Yes, I’m drinking too much wine and not doing yoga enough. Still, I’m more relaxed I think and appreciating what I have more than ever before because I’ve made a conscious decision to slow down.

I ask people what they are up to all of the time. We all do. It’s routine. It’s a conversation starter. There’s nothing wrong with it. I usually genuinely want to know what my friends are up to, especially if I haven’t seen them in a while and I’d like to think that when they ask me what I’ve been doing that they really want to know. It’s not malicious. It’s just annoying me lately. I just feel like this talking about what we’re doing all of the time pulls us away from what’s going on in the moment.

I think I’ve been noticing this ironic thing lately that as artists, actors especially, we are always talking about being in the moment, wanting to be there, trying to be there but we so rarely are unless we are onstage. It’s a life of living in an state of anticipation and anxiety. It’s very difficult.

I feel that I’m getting better at answering the question with more confidence. What am I doing? I’m doing nothing. Nada. Not a fucking thing. You want to talk about my job? Didn’t think so, You want to talk about my dog? You’re just being polite. It’s fine. I think the anxiousness I feel comes from the desire to entertain people. I want to be exciting or inspiring to my friends. I just can’t spend my time anymore, doing things that make me unhappy just so that I can answer the question differently.