sicko

Home sick today but guess what? I’m not sick. Oh lord I love it. I love calling in sick. It’s the only time you can truly have a free day because you’ve had no time to plan it. Just wake up and say, “Nope. Not today job. Not doing it. Staying home. Thanks.” I have a little invisible meter in my body that tells me when it’s okay to take a sick day. It has to do with how long it’s been since I’ve called in sick (at least 6 months) and how much unfinished work I have at the office (nothing that can’t be done tomorrow). Viola! La la la la la. The sun is out and it’s a very fally fall day.

I never got up the gumption to post that story I wrote. I will try to recap, distill if you will. It had to do with how I deal with asshole suits, specifically three ways in which I tend to deal with them. A. Kicking their ass, B. Ignoring and saying a prayer for their damned soul, C. Coming back with something so clever and witty that I look like a genius and for one brief moment they see themselves for the ass hole suit that they are.

“C” is extremely difficult to achieve because it has to do with timing and the alignment of stars but I had a very good example of “C” a couple of weeks ago and that's what I wanted to tell you about but it was just turning into this horrible brag story like, “Oh I’m so much smarter than these dudes and better than them and I kick so much ass.” Which may be true but who wants to hear about it? So the short version: These two homophobic suits and their well dressed handsome colleague were in the elevator with me and the one homophobe asked me if I thought the well dressed guy looked gay (he wasn't). I was in a clear headed space and I shot back, “No, and I’m a good person to ask because I have a lot of very close and dear friends who are gay.” Then I turned to the well dressed guy and said, “Honestly I would take this as a compliment because you look so good.” Then I turned to the homophobic asshole and said, “And your suit is horrible.” Then I walked out of the elevator without looking back and the OTHER homophobic asshole started laughing straight at his asshole friend saying, “OOHHHH MAN SHE NAILED YOUR ASS.” And the well dressed guy. Well, I could just tell that he really appreciated my comments.

Again, the “C” situation is rare and it’s much easier to pull off in an elevator. The very next day this other asshole suit ran into me and made me spill an entire cup of coffee all over my newspaper, which I was enjoying reading very much. He ran into me hard and didn’t apologize and I know he knew he did it. I was not in an elevator and I couldn’t come up with anything intelligent to counter back with, so I opted for “B” and prayed for his soul. I specifically asked god to let him come back as something slightly better than a lizard because that’s where I felt he was headed but I didn’t want to be unrealistic.

“A”, I am learning, is very rarely the best choice.

Can I just say that my dog is disgusting. He’s laying at my feet and he just ripped the most gnarly fart ever. GOD HE IS GROSS.

Last night I had this horrible dream that he was injured really badly. When I woke up I was so relieved that he was ok, just sleeping and snorting like a little angel at the foot of the bed. Then this morning Dup took him out in the back yard to pee and he rolled in something disgusting and came back smelling like ass. I swear I think he rolled in cat shit. I had to give him a bath. Now he smells better but when I took him outside for a walk, we were walking by the row of really nice brownstones on our block and he walked right up to the step of the very nicest one with the prettiest flowers and started pooping on their front step. I was like, “oh no, oh no, oh no.” but I couldn’t stop him because how would you like it if you were just starting to take a poop and someone was like, “No not there! Get up go over here over here!” So I took the bag I had out and started cleaning it up right away but there’s always that little bit of residue you can’t get up that these people would notice and I’m sure be pissed about but at least they wouldn’t know it was me or my dog. Then the guy that lived in the house came out and saw me. I wanted to kill myself right there. He saw me and scowled at me and SIGHED and then, of course, of COURSE.... Eliott started howling at him. I was like, “Lord take me now.” I drug Eliott away, apologizing to the man under my breath, “So sorry, sooo sorry.” And then two steps later Eliott picked up something disgusting off the ground and started eating it. I had to dig it out of his chompers. Then he tangled himself around my legs like we were in a cartoon or something.

Now he’s just sleeping and farting at my feet without a care in the world. Ah, the dog’s life.

So today, what will I do with it you ask? Yes, let me tell you. Well, there’s the apartment for starters. It needs vacuuming and general tidying. I’d like to do a little yoga. Then there are many errands: do some laundry, drop off dry cleaning, I need to go buy a folding table for the dog run event this weekend, I want to get some fall flowers to plant in a pot I got to go by the front door. Of course I will take E to the park and I need to talk to the City people about installing the message board for the dog run, I want to call this astrologist my friend Rachel recommended and oh yeah, I do have a Dr. appt. in the city but that’s not until 5:30pm. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about calling in sick is that the day FLIES by. It will be 5:30pm before I know it. I won’t get all of that stuff done today but 2 or 3 things off the list will suffice. What’s important is that I go slow and just do whatever I feel like doing next. That’s the best day.

If I’m not careful, I’ll spend it in front of the computer so I’m going to get going now. I hope you have a good day too and if you're at work, maybe you should consider calling in sick tomorrow? Fridays are strategically the best day to do it because you get a three day weekend and by Monday everyone has forgotten that you were gone.