la Ketch

my life story

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Guess who I saw this morning?


A couple of months back, my husband posted something on his blog about me beating the crap out of this guy on the street. It's true. I beat the crap out of this guy on the street.

It was raining and I was walking into my building and this guy who was dressed in a suit with an overcoat and a hat, who was carrying a nice umbrella and a nice suitcase, who had a little rain hat and a little mustache, this guy who was wearing an Ipod, this guy started saying totally creepy, disgusting sexual things to me. He actually made eye contact with me when he said these things. My husband couldn't even repeat the things he said to me on his blog. I however, will tell you the things he said right now.

He said, "Nice pussy, oh yeah mamma, I like your pussy, you got a real nice pussy."

He said it in a real condescending way and it was completely beyond the regular teeth sucking and "psst" and "hey gorgeous" and "where you goin?" comments you get every day in the city. That's just white noise and if it dissappeared, I might think I was lettting myself go.

This was more like OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME CREEP?

It took me a moment but then I floated right out side of my body and watched myself turn around and chase after this man. I say "chase" because as soon as he saw me coming he started to run. He ran out into the middle of the street. This is Madison Avenue, between 44th and 45th, very busy street my friends and he ran out into the middle of it and I went after him. I ripped his headphones out of his ears. I ripped his briefcase out of his hands. Then I proceeded to kick him in the shins, shove him in the chest and scream bloody murder at him, "You talk to your mother with that mouth you mother fucking asshole? Do YOU?! DO YOU TALK TO YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?!!!! Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you!!!!" He was curled over letting me kick him, whimpering, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Finally, after I thought he'd had enough, I walked away. Not one person stopped or looked up or said a thing to me. I didn't look back to see if the guy picked up his stuff or what.

When I got into the elevator there was a guy in there with me and when the doors closed I just started laughing REALLY hard, big guffaws. I was dying to tell someone what happened. This guy just stared at me though and then he said, "Gosh, is it ever going to stop raining?" "No, it's not." I said back to him, still laughing. "It's probably never going to stop."

When I told my mom what happened, of course she was concerned. She's afraid that I will get shot. I shouldn't be so aggressive. She's right. I probably shouldn't be. Of course she was concerned that he was mentally ill or homeless. I told her that he was dressed like a businessman. He wasn't homeless. He was listening to his Ipod. Then she was concerned that he might have Tourrettes.

I don't think he as Tourettes because this morning, I SAW HIM AGAIN.

It was so weird because the circumstances were EXACTLY THE SAME. It was raining and he was walking toward me and we crossed paths in the exact same spot in front of my building, exactly where we had met before. The main difference between the last time we met and this time though, was that instead of saying creepy, disgusting sexual things to me, he looked at me like he was afraid I was going to kick his ass. Then I said to him, "Oh, hELllllo," with the same intonation that Jerry and Newman use when they speak to each other. Then he said to me, "Hello there, how are you doing?"

HOW AM I DOING? HOW DARE YOU ASK ME HOW I AM DOING!! FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!! YOU DON'T HAVE TOURETTES YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!

I didn't say that to him. I just kept walking but he's scared for sure.

I hope he isn't only scared of me.





7 Comments:

At 5:56 AM, Blogger izchan said...

you the woman!!!

The bastard deserved it.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Millie said...

I wish someone would compliment me on my pussy. HOw much would have killed him if yesterday, again, he was like - "hey, that pussy, looking good today." Ywooza, I pity the fool.

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Eve said...

Well, you should seriously consider wearing pants when you go outside from now on, to avoid the unwanted compliments. (haha)

But really, you are AWESOME! Like, la SuperKetch, out there dealing out justice to assholes on the street!! I would probably have been too scared that someone that demented would have just added me to his severed heads collection at home if I said anything. You are waaaaaaayyy braver and cooler than I!! My hero!

ps- nice tits! (kidding)

 
At 11:39 AM, Blogger la Ketch said...

Pants? i was actually wearing chaps. just chaps.

 
At 8:17 PM, Blogger Sean Nelson said...

I know that some people have trouble accepting compliments, but that seems like a pretty extreme reaction.

not to mention the most badass thing i've ever read. on a blog, anyway.

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Floyd Britchcraft said...

OMG I think those were my chaps la Ketch hahahahahahahahahah ROTFL!!!!

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Floyd Britchcraft said...

LSHICB,IHIDHE!!!!!!

 

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